Psychedelic

Five biggest killers of all time

2009-04-28T15:14:00.004+05:30

Here's my list of "five biggest relationship killers" of all time. Thoughts written randomly but tried and tested :P Go ahead and have a thought about it and let me know if you have anything more to share.

* Ego - Human ego can be considered as the biggest killers of all time in any relationship. The less you wanna let go of it, the more you lose. Worse still is clash of egos, "you dont let go, i dont let go, then lets go bang our heads!" What's the point? You're losing your sanity. You lose to focus on what needs to be done instead. You'd have probably lost too much time trying to see who can come down and make a compromise.

* Selfishness - Its just not about being selfish about possessing something. It is about being and thinking about 'self'. The more you think about only you, the more you fail to see what the other person is in your life. The value diminishes. Your partner's needs and wants fall way too below in life if you were to see only what you want and where you look. Look beyond youself and you'll see that probably the other person has bigger needs than you. You dont need to be selfless, just be considerate.

* Blame game - This one thing HAS to stop that very second it begins, no matter who takes the initiative! You feel the other person has done wrong, put it in a way that he/she understands but dont make them feel so miserable that they retort. On the other hand, if you're at fault, dont just jump in and say "ok fine i did it, so what?". Probably you can ask your partner where you went wrong so that you can correct it. Things are much better that way especially if you learn to stop blaming one another for their mistakes. Arguments or issues dont come up unless you both have done/gone wrong somewhere at some point. If you think you're winning an argument by blaming the other person and the other person has become mute, you're in for a bigger loss later.

* Taking the blame all the time: Ok this one sounds quite contradictory to the previous point but there's a difference. When you have a situation where you think you've gone wrong or your partner has pointed out your mistake, accept it to correct it the next time but dont go so low that you feel completely miserable and you're made to feel guilty for rest of your day or worse still, all your life. Take the blame if its genuine but dont fall for silly matters that can wreck havoc and toss the boat completely, cos once you do that you'll be taken too much for granted.

* Verbal abuse: Not that physical abuse can be passed off, verbal abuse can leave you completely demotivated. Here abuse does not only mean objectionable usage of words or phrases but the kind of talk that can really leave you totally ripped. When you have the fiercest of arguments, you tend to get more verbal and say things that can really kill. Avoid it. Think for a split second, what if you were to be on the receiving end. Saying things about your partner's family, digging their past, listing down their long-forgotten mistakes, disappointments... all these add up to form a kind of grudge in your the subconscious mind and one day they will get their chance too to give it all back to you. Things get ugly beyond that point. Talk and try to solve the current issue. It really doesnt help talking about what's gone.

If you probe deeper, you'd probably realise there are many more silly things that can really bother you but in the end its how you handle that matters. After all you want to save your relationship at any cost, dont you?

Saving the best for the last

2009-04-22T18:10:00.007+05:30

Thinking makes me weak
thinking makes me numb
with all the thinking i've been doing
thinking has only made me dumb! :(

am tired of thinking about... almost anything and everything these days! there's nothing that skips my funny brain. i think about me, i think about my future, i think of all thats in store... i think of elvis, i think of my parents, i think of muffin more often and think of having him close... i think of the good old days, think of those not-too-good days and still think why i think of these things. yet, i sit here, writing down whatever shit comes to my head and wonder why on earth do i even attempt at writing a blog???? something to think about eh? :D i know, probably most of you all must be thinking the same thing too!

ok i have this weird feeling that i'm gonna miss my crucial moment of figuring out when exactly will i know am ready for labor... and it completely freaks me out. i've been researching on the symptoms and signs of having labor and all that comes before that (ill save the trouble of mentioning those terms and processes here just in case it freaks you out as well, esp for the newly weds and not wedded ones!) one more week and my baby will be full term, or that's what i read on the net, which means its safe to bring the baby in to this world. i need not necessarily wait for full 40-41 weeks for delivery. good lord, how i wish humans had lesser gestational phase... i pity the elephants :O!!

so i was saying... things are moving real fast and i still cant believe i've come all the way to this point and now i cant wait any longer for the d-day! ok the honest confessions are: one, am tired of carrying my weight all around, two my butt and legs ache if i sit or stand or do anything for a little longer, three, the heat is not just getting into my head but also doing enough damage physically. i get so freaking restless that its jus impossible to cope up with the amount of sweating and to consider that i've gotta wait for a coupla more weeks really drives me wild. my feet look like two cotton candies and i feel like a clown walking with it.. hehe.. its quite funny actually and i've begun waddling like a duck everytime i try 'walking'. there's something i miss terribly and that's sleeping on my tummy :( gosh, i cant even stand against a wall if i need to take a look at something. i so feel like curling up like a millipede and snug away to lalaland... hummphhh, those days!!!! and i'm told to sleep as much as i can before the baby arrives... yeah right!!! oh btw, one good thing that has happened is that my hair just feels lovely... not been having any hairfall and its growing voluminously well and it feels really good. touch wood! i'm also told i'd be losing them all soon enough :( all good things come to an end i suppose!! nevertheless, i'm saving the best for the last... cos i know that there wouldnt be anything more important than the baby! :)

so that's about the rantings from this soon-to-be-mom. i really dont know whether i'd be able to post another blog before i step into the hospital... cos you see i'll be off from work from May, so that leaves me with just 6 days of free internet usage at office :P i'm gonna miss this one for sure!! but i might (you never know) post another blog if boredom takes over... so long guys, its tatas, muahs and hugs to all of you. wish me luck and pls pray that everything goes fine. i need all your blessings and prayers now :) thanks in advance. will keep you all posted! :)

My Last Glorious Days

2009-03-31T10:16:00.007+05:30

Whoa!! I cant believe I'm just 49 days or maybe lesser from the d-day!! Absolutely thrilling at the thought of me lying on the labor room, probably screaming at the top of my voice too. And to realise that the day isnt too far away. I feel there's so much pending to do... havent bought a thing for the baby and that is highly depressing (atleast for me!). el thinks we need to wait until the delivery... so that he can enjoy doing the shopping alone, bah!!! i've tried conveying the message right into his head through my mom and sis... (*evil grin*) c'mon what more can i do when he just doesnt wanna listen to me! I'm here dying to start shopping for the lil one... imagine, those tiny dresses, socks, caps, towels.... awww!! i really need to shake him up a bit this month, before its too late! hmmphh...

Yes, coming back to the pending works... we are yet to decide on the name n u wont believe that he tells me that can be done once the baby's born! i'm wondering whether anything at all will be decided or done before??? i'm already going paranoid thinking about what's coming up and nothing seems to be helping me a bit! is that how things normally work with couples, or are we just being uniquely poles apart?!! whatever!! i dont seem to be liking the idea anyway!

As of now, i'm fighting away my nights tossing and turning in the bed and mind it, it aint a bit easy, and i wake me up everytime i turn to the other side. gosh, the weight shifts on your back completely and i feel like a mammoth! and those visits to the loo... nature has it very weird way of preparing you for sleepless nights that's yet to come! But honestly, amazing isnt the word! I’m sure my baby’s gonna be a sweetheart... she’s gonna give me enough rest and less trouble. Hopefully. Amen!!

There I go again!!

2009-03-11T17:08:00.004+05:30

Yeah yeah i know i know!........
Dont remind me guys! i'm at my mom's place now and so no access to net (not exactly) ... its just that after a whole day in front of the comp i just dont feel like sitting in front of another one after i get back home, which is around 8 at night. i should be getting my laptop soon and let's hope (yeah right!) that i should be able to scribble down something or the other once in a while (whether or not i get to post it :D) hmmm!!!

Into the last phase of my pregnancy and i really dont wanna comment about it. all i can say is i'm at the peak of wild mood swings and emotional rollercoasters!!! i just dont stick to a phase and thats killing! i've almost forgotten what its like to be pleasant and smiling and u know... generally being nice! urgh i hate this!

interest in doing anything? - almost nil
wanting to do anything? yeah but refer to the previous point
anxiety? - tons n loads
calm mindset? - in the train when am returning home after work, prob'ly?
irritated? - hmm u dont wanna know!

actually, i'm all on the negative phase of pregnancy than being on the positive side and thats really bad! for a fact that pregnancy was supposed to be a 'pleasant' and 'wonderful' experience, i just dunno why things take the other way round in my case alone!!! f*#$ing s&*t!!! no seriously, can i have a break, pls??? marriage was a hurry-burry thing which left little time for me to bask in the glory and enjoy it thoroughly... and now this! i'm getting to hate it, i swear!!

things jus seem to keep on taking the same kinda twist... weird!

actually this post wasnt meant to be here but what the heck and who cares! Duh!

To the Land of Karimeen and Chengara Heritage

2009-01-29T15:46:00.012+05:30

Well another long gap before the post. I've been away to kerala for the weekend and wasn't it the much-deserved break i needed? Just for three days and i feel so refreshed- no work, no schedules, no worries.... peaceful! It was jus the three of us - my mom, elvis and I... dad decided to ditch us this time. So we set off on fri evening to catch the mangalore mail, which was until then, not confirmed!! my bro-in-law promised us confirmed seats, even though our waiting list numbers were somewhere in 200s!! 'Believe' - i told myself and set off from my office. Thankfully the tickets got confirmed just at the last moment! the compartment was packed with passengers, reserved and otherwise!! there was a family of four with two young boys and they had burgers and fried chicken for dinner from marrybrown (the details are for your information only!;)) i was wondering what their parents were teaching them just wen i saw the dad of the boys having a burger himself!! duh, no comments!

Elvis was thrilled (at the sight of burgers and chicken, partly) and about the trip partially! he's never been to kerala and he always wanted to. we were jus yapping and passing our time and the day closed and we were off to our berths. dawn broke and we had to get down at shoranur for our connecting train to my sweet little hometown angadipuram. but that was a wait for about 2 hours. the passenger train takes about 45 mins to my town and it has one of the best scenic views en route. completely covered with lush green and early morning rays peeping through the trees - what a sight! elvis was clicking away. i havent uploaded the pics yet, i'll post those pics in my next post. got down at my station after a while and off we were to my uncle's house. Home at last! traveling surely takes you for a toss during pregnancy. i was glad i got home without much complaints but for a nagging backpain and broken sleep. breakfast was served, pleasantries exchanged and elvis was dazed! he found himself amidst a lota mallu folks.. hehe... time for him to learn a new lang!! :P

Saturday lunch was lavish... elvis was hell bent on having karimeen. so i made sure there was fish for lunch (though not karimeen). some gravy and fry - whether he liked or not, i hogged and had a bloating stomach till late evening! :D In the evening we were off to our temple to make arrangements for the puja on sunday. just when we were about to step out, one of the pujaris called us back for having payasam prasadam - double bonus at the temple! i wonder how the prasadams taste all the more heavenlier in temples, quite interestingly! two down for elvis - he was mesmerised with the taste! back home we were so loaded up noone wanted anything for dinner. i had requested for rice porridge and chatni. Yummm... but the size of each grain of rice was a scary affair. i managed to gulp down some and off i was!

Sunday started with the temple. there was crowd worth a trissur puram (for people wondering what it is, you can figure it out from google, am lazy you know :D) mann... it took us about 2 hours to get over with the formalities and come out with two vessels full of prasadams, koottu payasam and nei payasam. back home with a glass of payasam in hand! :) lunch was on us, elvis and i decided to take everyone out for lunch (its different that we had selfish reasons to go out ourselves, for the karimeen of cos!) so we were there, 8 of us, at this famous restaurant in town dying to dig into the fish, and bingo... we were just lucky! they were having some fish fest at the restaurant. there you go - 3 karimeens pollichadhu and one ordinary fry for yours truly and lots more. well i jus had a sweet corn chicken soup, fish fry and mutton pulao, thats all :D Have i ever told you am a foodie??? oh almost forgot to mention elvis' delight. he was seriously digging into that large karimeen and a ceylon paratha. had we been there for a tad longer, he would've gone in for a second round of karimeen, but i must tell you, for just 100 bucks it was truly worth it.

ok ok... back to basics. post lunch, we headed to chengara heritage hotel. ok, this i NEEd to tell you all about. this chengara heritage hotel has an ancestral background - a background linked to my mom's family. chengara belongs to my mom's ancestors (mom's name being chengara puththanveetil radha), as in my mom too partly grew up in this house. it seems my granny was born there. Its a huge mansion, rich and grand, with around 15 rooms, a huge pond, large lawn and amazing architecture. the pic shown in the site is the actual structure of the mansion without any change or damage done. the property is 108 years old and still going very strong. my mom was narrating her tales about the place with such awe in her eyes, elvis and i were transported back in time. there is so much story written in those walls, i was literally lost. mom was so happy. elvis was amazed. this is just my second visit to this place and i feel a remote sense of belonging already. i can imagine the flush of nostalgia my mom must have experienced. she was simply gleaming! the place is now a heritage hotel with guest rooms, restaurant, bar and a function hall which was in those days a place to burn wood for cooking. but i must admit, the place is so very well maintained by those people... most of the rooms are untouched except for tweaking here and there. what an experience! i shall post the pics of this place as well. i feel so proud to be hailing from such a background, from such ancestors. wow, the feeling's simply amazing. we then headed to some relatives' houses and were back home by evening. the night went peaceful with images of that place running in the head.

monday was rest day and i was completely taking the day off for the journey back home that night. by evening we were signing off and left the place for the passenger train to shoranur and then it was the usual. i wouldnt say it was uneventful journey back home cos only two of the three got confirmed seats. my name was in waitlist at 13. luck i say! horrible night in train and elvis had to sleep on the floor :( come perambur and we jumped off from that horrible train swearing never to book in second class again. dad picked us up from the station and i was back home smiling. no matter where i go i need to get back to chennai to feel truly home... only to curse that i had to rush to my office in a coupla hours :(

o oh! the post became super lengthy. chalta hai... you see i write only occasionally and when i do i can manage only this. so excuse me! :D

A confession, a poem and what follows a wedding, obviously!

2009-01-09T15:28:00.006+05:30

A very happy and belated new year to all you out there! Hope its a wonderful wonderful new year for all! Hmm... i've been late, i know! I havent replied or responded to your lovely blogs, i know! I've almost stopped writing here, i know i know! I've been awarded and i've turned a deaf ear to it, not quite exactly... i was just late and lazy! I didnt even wish my bloggies a new year - very bad of me!!! So i lay down my confessions and ask for your forgiveness, will that bring a smile to ye all? I hope it does, pls say so! :(

Hell, its been a looong and winding couple of months for me and i almost thought i lost interest in blogging! Well, thats not the actual case u know, thank god! I've been itching to write for quite a while but i just couldnt sit down to write like a normally do. And partly i was on a guilt trip feeling miserable to have missed even reading my regular bloggies, leave alone writing one. I was worried if i would ever get back to blogging, so you can imagine the acute mental block i was in (excuse??) Well the reasons have been plenty and excuses even more :D I accept but it wasnt deliberate u know, it just so happened!

Alright alright, loads of crap talks! Blogging seems very new to me again... i've gone back to writing like a novice, not that i was a pro anyhow! C'mon every blogger feels that he has improved with time, isnt it? I just seemed to have gone back, duhh!!! Doesnt matter, I'll have my time! :D

So here i'm in this new year late by 9 days! Ok before i crap talk more, there's one great news i'd like to share with you, cos you all mean a great relief to me and i cant go without sharing it with you... how can i?? Ok here's the clue, read the poem below and you'll know, hopefully! :D

Over the ups and downs of my life
i came across this beautiful form
i knew the sun couldnt set anymore
its just beginning to dawn

i cried over it, i laughed over it
i tried yelling and sometimes i lay calm
tears rolled down in joy and came out agony
but the feeling was cozy and warm

130 days for the world to witness
the colorful rainbow to appear
ho, i just cant wait to hold and cuddle
the little one who will bring in a lot of cheer

is it a he or she, i dont want to make a guess
let the suspense break with a tear of joy
when i will hold my little angel in my arms
and forget knowing if its a girl or a boy!

Yes, i'm going to be a "mother" soon - on may 19th to be half precise! These due dates can be a lil deceiving! Elvis and I are having mixed emotions about our baby, all for good! We are quite concerned about the health of our baby and i even more. I've already started feeling her inside, she's bouncing about and i even felt her heartbeat (her? i need to provide some gender to the baby, right? lets just assume its a she for the time being, not that am against a he!!) Its a wonderful feeling but my work and lack of time leaves me with really very little time to spend with her. I sometimes even wonder whether i'm enjoying my pregnancy :( lucky are those who are not working, am sure they experience each and every bit of pregnancy! Hummpphh!! My advice: stop working atleast when you're into your 2nd trimester if you really want to enjoy this phase!! And trust me, hell loads of emotions play around you. At times you feel you're on top and at times you're dumped deep down. Its really undescribable! The worst part of the whole phase is the continuous dosage of multi vitamins! Guess nobody escapes that... so my advice again, eat healthy way from the beginning or atleast when you get engaged. All that you eat will reflect on your baby! And pls pls take good care of your whites. Have loads of calcium intake, your teeth will take a toss in pregnancy, EVEN if you've had no bad records before. I was careless before and now i've been advised to undergo a root-canal treatment :( Everything, trust me, everything counts! I have a feeling that am acting like a mother already but its just some words of caution for the women fraternity out there, esp when some weddings are on the cards [swar, hint hint!! ;)]

Presently am much at peace now. No morning sicknesses or any such. First trimester was quite a trouble for me as i was always tired and feeling sick and groggy eyed! But luckily i had no vomittings and didnt get bed ridden too. Thank heavens! But boohoo... i'm growing out of my clothes at lightening speed. Dresses arent fitting me anymore and i hate the morning rush to work. I wonder how i'll look in full term. I will prob'ly look like a balloon, hehe! Right now, i'm just beginning to show. My baby bump is getting prominent though i can pass off as an off-proportioned woman still... hehe! I feel funny looking at the image staring at me in the mirror. Its weird i tell u! Anyyyywayyyy... its all part of the package. My doc says the baby's pretty normal and healthy inside. That's enough and I'm happy.

So that's about the good news this year. I hope to keep my posts updated with all the happenings, inside and out! ;) So long, catch you guys soon enough. Wishing you all again a great year ahead. Love ye all... muaahs!

Sansmerci - I've been chatting with you quite regularly so i guess I can be excused for not reading or responding to your blogs :D I just did reply to two of your blogs though! Do i get the first place in your award giving ceremony? :P Hehe... jus kidding!! Thanks babe.

Multimenon - Man, you're the one who really made me feel so guilty. You've been such a sweetheart popping a msg in my last blog and buzzing me in fb and constantly checking on me. Really sorry for not responding to your blogs. I promise to be good :) And thanks a ton for the award!

Rest of you all - please dont ignore me anymore. Include me in your reading list again. I will try to be a regular, at least write some crap and pass off as a decently frequenting blogger! :D I feel good being back! Yahooooo!!!

Fighting back... over and over again

2008-10-31T17:26:00.004+05:30

I kinda feel lost. feel blazed out, yeah? is that the word? i duno. i had written this a while ago n never bothered to post it. suddenly i felt the need to post it and here it is, for the sake of me. my monsters are at work again... think they love me to bits ;) never mind, i love them too... as long as i manage to survive them u know. i want to write... write like many of you'll out there, but something's really holding me back n i jus succumb. swar says its a phase. i wonder how often does this take over. i should be a patient then. can never be a blogger. that's evident now. i write some crap n move on... and it would've been ages by the time i put up my next post. its funny. its weird. hell yeah, its me... back again!!! :D

Time and again
things creep back
today, now and forever
pain carries the color of black

why do i still see you there
sitting alone and pondering over life?
c'mon now, life has just given you a call
wake up, stand straight, you got a lot to face

"worry not", did i just say that?
oh why not, i have my reasons you see
kept jumping up and down all the while
now i want to rest, now its a plea

did i just listen to the sound of the waves?
or did i hear the sweet melodies of the birds?
oh i was just dreaming in my own dreamland
i hate this vision, i only feel cheated

where is the sun? where are the little stars?
come, lift my spirit and light up my senses
dazed by the obscured madness of the world
i run... run to find the meaning of it all.

Blog Action Day 2008

2008-10-17T10:32:00.006+05:30

Ok I'm two days late for this... but its always better late than never :D :D what say?? Today, errr... day before yesterday (15 october 08) was Blog Action Day where bloggers/sites around the world will publish, donate, or promote the issue of poverty. So here's my part :)

This post is part of Blog Action Day '08 - Poverty.

Randommmm...

2008-09-26T14:54:00.005+05:30

Ha! This couldn't get better. To write random things about yourself. I liked the idea. Alright, let's get to the rules first as usual. Here they are:

Link to the person who tagged you
Post the rules to your blog
Write 4 random things about yourself.
Tag 2-5 people at the end of your post and link to them
Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Thanks to Praveen who tagged me. So here you go, you asked for it :D

Randomness ranking 1: Am a sunny person. I dont like the rains and cold climate... gimme sun and more sun, ill be purring like a cat. Oh that makes me a proper leo for that matter. They say leos fall into the cat family tendency. No wonder! I guess its probably cos the rains in chennai really makes me sick. As in i hate the slush in roads, the dampness the weather carries, wet wet wet everywhere, moody and lazy climate, and of cos getting wet. Ewwwk. Had i experienced some classy rain (the US-UK type where the roads are clean n suff)... maybe, maybe i might have second thoughts. :D

Randomness ranking 2: I'm quite short tempered. Yeah, very short tempered rather. I lose my cool at the silliest of things if they tend to piss me off. How boring... i know! That causes half the troubles i carry on my shoulders. :D

Randomness ranking 3: I love watches. I like to collect as many watches as possible [if only i had so much money :(] I pick up from the local market that you get for few a hundreds or those that are really nice and classy that run to thousands :D

Randomness ranking 4: I like to observe people and study them. I get that quite naturally whether or not am moving with them on close counters. But the good thing is i dont judge anyone unless i really get to know them well. Well, phew i got atleast the last one good :D

So there you go. You learnt something about me today, quite randomly. Happy tagging along :)

And the people am tagging are:
sansmerci
multimenon
obscurityspeaks
wistfully yours - where the hell is she???

A birthday, a funeral and a boring week

2008-09-23T13:52:00.007+05:30

It’s been a boring week and I hate to say that I still have nothing to write about. That explains why my resolution went weak last week! Yeah maybe a coupla bomb blasts that rocked Delhi and Islamabad caught everyone’s attention. And for the fact that Chennai could be the next target. What a sad state and how depressing. If only human lives were valued. There really is no point in venting out our frustrations. Is it even heard???? Whatever!!

Other than that, last week elvis’ bday went great. He was thrilled about oil-painting set I gifted him. Really looking forward to see more of his paintings. We stayed home all day and relaxed at barista post dinner. Played a pathetically looking scrabble there while sipping on some iced tea and headed back home by 12. Back home, we picked up a crossword of world currencies. Four time-based rounds and I managed to score high in two. But yeah, he got most of it though. And so our day ended at about 2.30 after having gained some gyan. I wish I had more time to spend on such crosswords and puzzles. :( I just love them and it really teases my brain.

Sunday was sad. Absolutely no activity. A bit of cleaning. Sleep. TV. That’s about it. So duh! Dinner at Raji’s place got cancelled. Elvis had to attend a funeral and came home only yesterday.

Work at office is getting better… rather the result of my efforts look green. The long-awaited book escapEdition is finally out in print. Phew! What a long wait it was. The cover looks neat. Lucky that we escaped without being tossed around for the delay. Looking forward to blogger’s feedback. Let’s see!

And yes, the next book is gonna be THE one. The blogger has been really sweet and patient. He even promised me ice creams :) Well at present that should do I suppose.

That reminds me of the food craving I’m having lately - drooling over anything that looks edible. Sunday lunch was kickass. Chicken biryani, fish fry and prawn fry. Yummmmmm!! But for a change I’m craving for a veggie fare of late. Yummy sambars, veggies, salads, rasam, kaara kozhambu, kaalan, avial, pickles… damn! I hate this craving. It’s gotta be real soon. Anyway its lunch time now so am off for some belly-filling ceremony :D

'Brilliant Blog' - And the award goes to...

2008-09-09T12:29:00.011+05:30

This girl sansmerci just won’t keep quiet. Tags me along wherever she goes and that’s the best part of her. She has taken me along through some of the most beautiful paths and this sure is one of it. C’mon what more can a lazy blogger like me who blogs like once in a blue moon expect, a brilliant weblog award??? Naa… she must be kidding. But then she wasn’t. She actually DID award me with this amazing ‘Brilliant Weblog Award 2008’. She must have been drunk, I swear! Also accuses me of blogging more often in Sulekha. Now, that’s where my nerves stood up straight. Heyyyy… I hardly blog there girl. Am a more blogspot bird honey! So I decided to give it to her and took upon the challenge to post atleast one blog a week (now that’s a real challenge you know, well atleast for me :D)

Okay cutting the loooong story short, first I really need to give her full credits for bringing me into this world of ‘blogs’ when I didn’t even know what it meant or how it worked (I was a weeny dumb ass back then :D) She encouraged me and at times even spat at me for not blogging and that really worked (ahem!). I was feeling good after my first few blogs… then got the inspiration for writing poems :O from her. That was a Herculean task but it flowed smooth after a bit. It was jus getting better by the day but I can’t write as much as she does (she writes lots I tell you). But then, all said and done, she gave me this wonderful world and I really am thankful to her. So babe, this post is kind of a dedication to you and it’s an honor to reaward it back to you!

And the award (also) goes to: ME :D

There are some rules to it as well:

When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design
Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog Award'
Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
And pass it on!

Alright, I guess I won’t be able to do much justice on the tagging part but this is the best I could. Sorry to have stopped with only 5 :(

Here they are:

Back to you blogging queen - sansmerci

For this unique poet who can really turn heads with his wonderful poems (some with multiple meanings :O) - praveen

A fairly lazy blogger (I got company here :D) who finds no time to blog on blogspot. I never knew she could write so well until I read some of her works. Hope this brings her back - obscurityspeaks

For the rambling queen who can do absolute justice to the word in her own unique, sweet and amazing manner - wistfully yours

For this fellow mallu blogger who stopped at my space and left some sweet comments, also called me a sista (sniff sniff). Oh and needless to say, his writing style is really cool. He can write just about anything (sigh, wish I could) - multimenon

Thanks again for this great feeling sansmerci and whoever started this. Really makes one wanna write more. Yes yes, i havent forgotten my challenge. I really look forward to writing more actually but first things first, it's celebration time now!! :)

Me - The Uncut Version

2008-08-21T13:00:00.008+05:30

A verrrrryy delayed response to Pointblank’s tag game. Also tagged by Sansmerci. So here's the uncut version!

I am: your worst nightmare. Trust me, I can be your cuddly lil teddy bear or a complete devil incarnation!

I think: a truck load of things. Mostly crap, unproductive stuffs that also sometimes make sense.

I know: that some things ARE meant to be, no matter how much you struggle to fight.

I want: peace of mind (merci, I go with you on this!)

I have: almost everything and yet feel I got nothing

I wish: there’s a simpler way of looking at things

I hate: backbiters and chauvinists

I miss: (at present) my home and my parents; using my freedom the right way

I fear: truth and indifference

I feel: lost, weird and helpless

I hear: screaming voices inside my head, trying to break free

I smell: emptiness

I crave: for attention

I search: for my dreams in an empty land

I wonder: how long can I hold on

I regret: everytime I fail, everytime I lose others’ trust in me

I love: to watch, to observe

I ache: when someone needs me and am helpless

I am not: definitely who you thought I am

I dance: only when my heart can convince my legs to the floor

I sing: when I know I really can

I cry: when my heart feels the pinch, that’s almost for every goddamn reason (excuse maybe?)

I don't always: like to give in easily

I write: when something’s itching to get outa me

I win: cos I hate losing

I lose: when you know something inside me is dying

I never: make the first move (yeah I know that’s being egotistic but heck, that’s me!)

I always: wonder and ponder

I confuse: others very well :D

I listen: to things that I can relate to

I can usually be found: on the phone and sms

I need: my husband by my side and everything else to make life worth living; to be felt as a special someone; others to look up to me

I am happy about: having had a great family all my life

I imagine: doing things my way

I would like to tag: guess most of you all are tagged so I’ll tag

Obscurityspeaks

January blossom

Praveen and

the newbie multimenon

What’s in a Name? - Pet Diary Part II

2008-08-06T22:50:00.005+05:30

There’s been a delay to post this thanks to my work load, I don’t get a moment free. And what’s better than blogging from office? No, am not writing this from workplace but perched on my bed after a sumptuous dinner. Sometimes it feels great to have just curd rice with a variety of gravies, yumm!!

It’s been nine days since my baby (read pet) stepped home. You might ask what’s with nine days. Well, nothing. Just that he’s been here for a while now to call him a legal part of the family, don’t ask me how legal. It’s just that way! Let’s not get deep into that now!

Ok now to the purpose of this post. The NAME. Let me first thank all those who suggested some lovely names, and yes sansmerci that includes your suggestion too. After calling him ‘Steiner’ for a while, we were kind of finding it uneasy to address him like that. At least I did. I just couldn’t blurt it out to call him. Then came in lots of suggestions and opinions and lots of “how about this?” and “how about thats”!! I dropped the idea of suggesting any more names. Steiner it is, I sulked! And then one fine day when I returned from work, elvis and aunty threw in front of me the final options! I was glad. Anything other than Steiner was fine with me. Am not giving the options here, I’d rather tell you the name we finalized. We christened him MUFFIN. Yes, you got that right, that fluffy light golden brownish creamish sweet bakery stuff. Well, that’s exactly what was in our minds. He is everything a muffin could possibly be – the color, the fluffy texture and absolutely sweet (not quite literally), all of this in a living form.

Why I mentioned that it’s been nine days is because he still hasn’t adapted to us calling him muffin. He hardly even responds. We have to whistle, clap and call him everything along with “muffinnnn… muffyyyy” and the likes!! I have a strange feeling he doesn’t like his name much. Well, I guess time will tell whether he would respond to the call or not. Else, we have a tough time ahead!!!

Oh My Love - Pet Diary Part I

2008-07-29T10:31:00.008+05:30

Time flies. Period.

And yesterday particularly, time flew and stood still at the same moment when i entered the house. I witnessed one of the cutest inventions of god - a labrador retriever pup! A 45-day-old fawn colored male pup in the middle of the hall was waiting for my arrival, cutely bundled up in a big white satin ribbon and a small brown satin around its neck. He's my cutest and precious birthday gift ever.

I dropped my bags, rushed to him and grabbed him. I didn't quite know what exactly i should be doing with him. I hugged, kissed, cuddled and petted him and still i wasn't sure where to begin. I was too excited. I was thrilled to bits. I was cuddling him over and over again, and then i realised what i terribly missed. I kept him down, rushed to elvis and gave him a tight kiss. Love him loads. He deserved it. After all, without him, nothing would have been possible. He had given me the cutest gift ever, a new member in our family.

All the exhaustion i felt flew away. I couldn't put him down. I couldn't even change my clothes. My excitement reached its peak. Leaving him down was such a bad idea. He was equally excited to have a new person cuddle him and hold him. He kept nibbling at my fingers, dress, my neck - gosh, simple pleasures of life. I realised one such was this.

After an overdose of petting and cuddling, i finally put him on the rug and he blissfully went off to sleep. Awww... what a sight! Take a look.

And then began my duties as a mother (ahem! that's how i felt actually). I prepared some cerelac and woke him up to feed him. My my... poor thing had been left hungry since noon and the moment it smelt food, he was all over the bowl with his face, nose. legs into it. That's the way they learn i believe. He was walking around the house with his wobbly feet and sniffing things around. Too cute. After his fill, within seconds he was circling around the hall to find 'the' spot for relief, and he was out with it. Too soon.

Little did i know what was in store for me the whole night. Poor thing is yet to receive his vaccination and de-wroming session and because he hadn't received he was searching for spots all through the night!!! And elvis and i were busy cleaning up the room every 20 mins.

Elvis brought him into our room and made a makeshift bed for him and placed a cloth inside. He cuddled in for a while but was restless most of the night. New place, new people and an upset stomach. Damn, he must have felt so lonely. But i guess it was the *motherly instinct* in me that made me keep a check on him every now and then. Elvis and i were trying to finish off an incomplete project and that kept us awake for a long time. And all the while i made sure our new baby was kept warm, cozy and comfortable. He slept on my lap while i worked on the comp.

Finally, it was my time to retire and i was dead beat by then. It was almost three when i went to bed. Phew! "Just the first day", i told myself but all the same it was damn exciting and he was just beginning to get used to us and the place. Elvis says he would take atleast 3 days to get used to the place. Poor thing. I just hope he doesn't fall sick. He's too precious for us now.

Oh btw, we haven't named him yet. We are still considering some cool and funky names for him. Not definitely something like jimmy, jikky or rambo!! If you can come up with some "oh, that's it" kinda names, do send in. We need to name him asap.
Some of my picks are:
- dash [elvis doesn't prefer this though :( ]
- frey
- bosco

My Chemical Storm

2008-07-25T10:58:00.002+05:30

When you walked in front of me
With that look in your eyes
I was losing my insanity
And shedding my disguise
The silky luster in your hair
Puts the sun god to shame
Watching your lusty sway
I became your mute tame

A special bond was born
I was falling on my knees
Is this the chemical storm?
I could hardly believe
Tossing and turning
I was losing all my sleep
I wake up in the night
Damn! It was all but a dream!

Note: It's the guy who is imagining stuff and having dreams! No crooked thoughts pls! :D

They

2008-07-17T10:55:00.002+05:30

Is there something wrong with me?
people are funny,
'they' say I'm crazy!

I try to impress
'they' say i need to be 'me'
I try to be normal
'they' can happy never be

I wonder and wonder
why things go wrong
'they' push me to the corner
and want me to be strong

I want to break free
and set things right
but all that 'they' do
is to fight, fight, fight'

I lose my control
i lose my mental frame
'they' talk behind my back
and call me insane

Now, tell me my friends
is there something wrong with me?
people are funny,
'they' say I'm crazy!

Strings of Life

2008-07-16T17:56:00.004+05:30

Riya could never be alone
her mind could never rest
thoughts kept serenading
her tiny fragile mind

she always smiled, her best weapon
she had never shown her tears
he had taught her to be strong
and he is the center of her world

his sweet talks would amuse her
his broad shoulders, her only support
she would keep retelling his stories
to her only companion, her brown diary

she would dance and sway
to the tunes of his songs
he would laugh and rejoice
and whisper lullabies in her ears

she would adorn and wait patiently
every day by the door
he would rush back home with a rose
to see the smile on her face

many years went by
and their love grew strong
somewhere in the corner of her heart
she knew she was soon going to miss him.

*******************************

Ajay could never sleep
without a tear in his eyes
always thinking about her
and her lovely little ways

he wanted to do so much for her
color her world and fill her with love
he could sing and laugh to see her smile
he knew he would never be the same again

he would rush back home
with a rose in his hand
to see her smile that
lights up his world

he wanted to hold her tight
and protect her from the world
he would go to the ends
to see her live by

he now wants her back
from the clutches of AIDS
he could never live alone
and be the father of a dead.

Gist of the poem: The heart-wrenching realities of AIDS affected and infected victims. A father growing his motherless daughter and fighting to keep her happy until her last breath. His 10-year old daughter, an AIDS victim, has nothing in her world but for her father and the disease which has sealed her fate.

Note: Sadly, unlike the divine love shared between the father and his daughter here, realities have bitter stories to tell. Thousands of children are abandoned in the streets after being diagnosed with AIDS. Who are to be blamed? What wrong have they committed? The answers are bleak. This is a small dedication to all the AIDS affected children in the world who long for only one thing - your love. Your time and love can make a world of difference to them, at least as long as they live.

Con-FUSED!

2008-07-08T18:19:00.002+05:30

After years of research, yours truly has come up with some stunning facts about the inane human race and their behaviours. This piece of work would prove highly important and easily relatable for the common man who would otherwise think humans are actually intelligent!

Below given are some terms and their definitions that can give you a clear picture of the true state of a simple innocent man.

Mental block – A point of mute submission to mind’s silence when you try to think about something and that something never comes anywhere close to your mind.
Inertia – A state of being when there is sh** loads of work to do but you remain biting your nails, scratching your head or withdraw into a state of mental block (refer point no. 2 for the meaning).
Procrastination – An act of putting ‘it’ over for the next day/hour so that you can continue doing the above two.
Diligence – Moments of acute attentiveness when your colleague borrows your pen to sign an ‘important’ document and your eyes stay glued till it finds its place back into the pen holder.
Hard work – The effort put in every single hour which fetches you extra food coupons by the end of the month.
Appraisal – An eyewash in the form of currency to cover up for the losses incurred by you.
Lunch break – The only time of the day when you can sincerely work hard (refer point no. 6) to earn the rewards in the form of kilograms.
Tea break – Additional free minutes served with a cup of hot coffee/tea to bring you back to reality.
Writer’s block – A ‘writer’ who cannot but convince himself that he is suffering from an ailment that nobody but himself can cure it after hours, days or even months of mind probing to pen down something that he thinks is worth a read.
Meetings – An ‘official’ get-together where one gets to speak and the others are automatically tuned to snooze mode.
Targets – A deadly combo of running short of time coupled with your girlfriend/boyfriend waiting at the theatre with movie tickets.
Salary slip – A printed proof of your joblessness at office.

Writer’s note: Readers are requested to regard the terms and their definitions on a lighter vein. Applying it in your daily life (quoting point no. 7 and 10) could lead to serious repercussions. ;-) The writer holds no responsibility for the same. ;-)

Good. Better. BEST.

2008-05-12T13:02:00.011+05:30

Am back... and with a bang, after a long struggle! Yes, the old me is fading off and a new person is being born in me, well quite literally! To all those who are wondering what's happening, here's the fag end of my bachelorette life. Yes, the guesses are right (i mean what more could it mean other than that!!). i'm engaged to be married next month! :)

Though there has been enough chaos and confusion over the past coupla weeks, the wait is finally over, and worth it too. I AM getting married and to the person i love. Yeah, it hurts at times to think of how my past was... i wouldn't say it was bitter, but the word that best fits would be a "learning experience" or rather "an experience which taught me several things in life". Anyways... things pass, and so has this. Now i'm really looking forward to make a 'family' of my own - i had dreamt of it for so many years, now the idea seems to be taking form, in fact it is taking up a form and i'm really happy about it. For those who really know what struggle it is for a woman to come to this point and feel elated, they'd really know what i mean! It's a phase i believe! It's all clearing up and i'm so very much looking forward to my wedding day. It's going to be one hell of a trip... my journey towards a married life. I'm celebrating it all by myself and with my would-be. I'm having all kinds of feelings now, mixed feelings as they call it, i suppose. It's funny at times and sometimes scary too but nevertheless i guess its all worth it. So here i am trying to evolve myself from the ashes to finer things in life. Congratulations to me! Wishing me a happy married life!

Note: This would most probably be my last blog before i get married. The rest that follows, if it does, would be after my marriage. So here i am my friends, the last part of me. Ciao!

Remembering you!

2008-03-06T22:40:00.000+05:30

The pain’s creeping all over my skin
I wash it away but the tears leave a stain
Do you remember me? Do you remember us?
But I remember your smile that spoke of pain

What have you done? Where did you go?
Why is there such silence in your breath?
Why have you left a scar in my heart?
It now bleeds and aches, do you call this death?

I tremble and toil with my surrogate thoughts
Tell me do you hear me, or am I alone again?
There is no way out and there are no doubts
I’ll leave you now, and in your thoughts I’ll drain.

The eights of my so-far life!

2008-03-04T23:12:00.003+05:30

Alright! Here I am, tagged by the lovely bubble girl Neetu. I have tried to justify (to the max) all the eights. Neet, get a bigger number next time girl, eight’s just too small. And you know what, eight is a bad number, I don like it anymore. ;-)

Anyway, here are my two cents.

EIGHT THINGS I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT:

Dancing: My all time passion but just never had enough of it.

Watches: Oh yeah baby! That goes from the local picks to Giordano. I still have a long list of brands pending. :D

Colors: In any form, in any shade – they continue to inspire me.

Collecting pics of my loved ones – I still have my 8^th std friend’s passport size pic.

My love: You can be free to interpret whatever it means. :)

The little gifts from my loved ones: I really adore and cherish them, and am very passionate about it.

The intimacy I share: Naa, I won’t get further on this! ;-)

Writing – Should I say so? I guess I am after all beginning to love writing.

EIGHT THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE (In no particular order):

Gawd! There’s a whole long list of things I wanna do before I die and I already have a feeling the latter is closer than the former! :( Anyway since am tagged, ill go by the rules! But hey am gonna be absolutely honest here… so excuse my French, and German, and Russian… and whatever!! Here it goes:

Learn a musical instrument and play it to heart’s content – I’ve always wanted to play a violin, and a piano too.

Smoke up weed, properly – Yeah, I really wanna try it once! Get real high and experience the feel of it first hand! :D

Dance my heart out on stage in front of thousands of people – I’ve already forgotten how to move! Shit!

Send my parents on a world tour, all expenses paid (Neet, this one’s from you) – I really wish I could do it sooner.

Attend a huge musical/rock fest and lose myself completely – Iron Maiden and Metallica, please keep performing guys – someday, someday!

Learn a foreign language and be fluent enough to converse – I was a disaster in class 11 trying to learn French. :(

Adventurous treks and explore exotic destinations – The art of traveling is one thing am planning to develop; I hardly get a chance though! Damn!

Ride a Bullet/Harley (and probably own one) – I developed this craze from my earlier office where I was handling this client Royal Enfield and used to read hundreds of trip stories posted by so many riders. I always wanted to do it. One day!

EIGHT THINGS I SAY OFTEN:

Fuck you

What the…

Balls

Oh shit!

Yeah right!

Hehe / thu

Muah

Loose

** Shit, I don’t have one decent thing to say, well yeah other than muah maybe :D!! My god!

EIGHT BOOKS I’VE READ RECENTLY

I have almost forgotten what a book looks like now! Haven’t touched a book for ages, so my list is gonna be quite prehistorical, and yes am not an avid reader too!

India smiles

Men are from mars, women are from venus

Da vinci code

Not a penny more, not a penny less

The fountainhead

The client

If tomorrow comes

A lot of mills & boons and lots of other crap

EIGHT SONGS I COULD LISTEN TO, OVER AND OVER:

Some are all time favs, some keep changing but definitely eight is just too less a number, c’mon!

Crawling - Linkin Park (both original track and reanimation)

Nothing else matters – Metallica

The unforgiven - Metallica

The nomad – Iron Maiden

Arabu naade – Thottal Poo Malarum

Kya kahe kya naa kahe – Rangeela

Pehla nasha – Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar

A huge list of Michael Jackson songs

EIGHT THINGS THAT ATTRACTS ME TO MY BEST FRIENDS:

Not opinionated

Non judgmental

Someone who can laugh a lot

Someone who really understands

Someone who can just look at me and say am gone and still hold me dear

Someone who can just walk into my house and wake me up from my sleep

Those who can appreciate themselves

Someone who is very open

Eight people I think should do this tag

I guess by the time I post this, all the people in my friends list would have taken their turn. So whoever is left out… kindly do the needful, pls! :D

Intoxicating me

2008-01-30T22:08:00.000+05:30

Ok this poem is slightly out of the ordinary, not my kinda thing but yeah i guess i was needing my dose of 'moods', if you know what i mean ;) ehm! So here you go, have fun and all your precious comments are most welcome!

Under a dark and dreamy moonlit night

You walked past me like a shimmering light

Your body so tantalizing, oh I could see

I still hold your image deep down inside of me

You held me close to you in my wicked dream

I knew in ecstasy I could almost scream

I breathe into the lustful scent of you

You touched my soul, I’m stained by you

Your soft skin whispers miracles into me

Your eyes drown me into an ocean deep

So seductive the way your body moves

Every inch of me giving in to the groove

Your luscious lips teasing over my skin

Tormenting, getting lost deep within

Your gentle kisses levitating me above

Exciting, enthralling we are making love

Come, shower me your desires onto me

Let me take you to the world of dark fantasy

Move it down, take it slow, this is where I wanna be

Oh baby, can’t you see, you’re intoxicating me!

Would you?

2008-01-27T00:57:00.000+05:30

What would you do
when you want to
smile but tears are
the language you speak

What would you do
when you want to
scream your worries off
but sighs are all that you breathe

What would you do
when you want to
sleep in blissful ignorance
but realities are the dreams you see

What would you do
when you want to
hold another hand
but empty space is all that you feel

What would you do
when your eyes search
for the perfect one
but endless road is what lies ahead

What would you do
when you want to
set yourself free
but on emotional path is where you tread.

Master of the game

2008-01-23T22:11:00.000+05:30

Like a wanderer in this frenzied world

Walking along the path of the nomad

A spirit held tight, and the face all wrought

Dragging along to the end of the world

To reach a destination so mystical

The crawling now gives birth to a limp

Dark shadows eclipse the reflections

Of the wicked master of the game

Disappearing into an abode of dreams

While nightmares are the color he spreads

An illusion blown away to mere dust

An illusion never to be seen, never heard

The sea, heavy with tides, dark and deep

The four sides wrapping warmth within

Dark steely nights to glorious golden dawns

Magnificent greens to the dithering clouds in grey

This is where you breathe, this is your life

Rest while you can, for your journey has just begun.

Living life less?

2008-01-04T15:24:00.000+05:30

Forsaken identities
or forbidden dreams?
Knotted illusions
or fake smiles?

Loud obligations
or silent pretensions?
Wide open arms
or widening insecurities?

Thoughtful misdemeanor
or blinding instincts?
Screaming dark lies
or deep hidden truths?

An aching heart
A regretful life
Mistaken realities
And empty dreams

Living life less
or lifeless living?

The genesis

2008-01-02T12:18:00.000+05:30

“God, this hurts” whined the heart. “This pain is unbearable.”

“Oh, just shut up, will you? If you can’t take it then don’t do it”, retorted the mind. “There was no need for it.”

“Well, what do you understand about pain and hurting? All you do is just sit inside that damned brain and pass on those horrible signals which are of no use. It doesn’t matter anyway now.”

“Oh sure it does. All that you’re talking about isn’t just the product of your lousy feeling alone mister. I work day and night for you, for this body that carries you. You don’t talk about my work here. Let me tell you something. You really need to learn to live and to rationalize my friend”, fumed the mind.

Amused by the thought of ‘rationalizing’, the heart replied “Well, that’s definitely not my kind of work. I guess I am doing what I am asked to and it’s really killing me. Why can’t you, for God’s sake, just stay quiet and let me just move on? Who’s asking for your opinion anyway?”

Undeterred, the mind replied, “You know, I am here in this body to tell you where you’re going wrong and where you should correct yourself. God’s given me this abundant power to guide you and tell you what’s worth in life. What you’re doing right now is definitely not the right thing. You’re just ruining yourself. You’re ruining my life as well.” The mind continued. “You see, these thought processes that are happening in me aren’t quite normal now, and I just can’t focus properly. Do you know why? That’s because of you. You’re selfish, you don’t want to think about others, all that you can think about is you, yourself.” The mind is deeply disturbed. Though nothing was intended, every word that it spoke turned out to be bitter and painful. The mind continued in a grave tone. “Take a look around heart, do you see the damage you’ve done? If you truly realize and take responsibilities of your action, then probably, PROBABLY, you will know what needs to be done.”

Not stirred by the emotional storm of words, the heart cynically retorted, “Listen Mr. Mind, all that damage you’ve been talking about isn’t the result of ‘my’ selfishness and action alone. Well, where exactly do you think you fit? Playing it all safe by burdening me with the responsibility of ending this, isn’t it? You sure got the way of talking I should say! Every decision I’ve taken, you’ve been there. Every time I wronged, you’ve been a reason too. Every time I wished, you’ve held me back. Now you say I am at fault. Do you really think you can get away with that?” The heart slowly began gasping for breath. In between the heavy spasms, it continued. “You know, all your life, you’ve done just one thing – talk. Talk me into agreeing with you. All we’ve ever done is argue, over a million odd things. The heart chuckled, “To say the least, we’re doing just that even now”.

Outside, the room was creeping into stillness. The only sound that broke the silence came from the girl who was silently shedding her tears. Her last tears. Her blood, deep as scarlet, trickled down her veins staining her ivory lace skirt, the skirt she loved flaunting. She let out a weak smile as the stream of blood slithered further down to the floor. She closed her eyes, remembering her last birthday.

He was holding a gift-wrapped box neatly tied with a red ribbon. She was so ecstatic. It was a beautiful ivory lace skirt. She loved it immensely and wore it the entire day, happily telling her friends how beautiful the skirt was and how much she loved it. He was glad she loved it. That day he had said he loved her. She still wondered why everything came to an end, why the love ceased to exist.

Inside, the mind tried to bring the thoughts to control and spoke to the heart, “Look what’s happening. The blood is all around now. Why have you done all this? You’re sure going to pay for this. This is all a joke for you, isn’t it?”

The heart gave out a long cynical laugh and said, “Joke! Life’s a joke, isn’t it my friend? You know, I realized it’s time we put an end to this joke. It was getting too sour.” Like a dagger piercing through every time, the heart spoke “You don’t feel the pain, I do. So let’s not argue anymore. I am tired.”

Darkness clouded inside, words were reaching like a faint echo; the mind raced intently trying to get a hold. With great uneasiness it spoke, “Alright, listen to me. Call up the doctor now. You still have time.” Amused by the thought of calling a doctor, the heart chuckled again. “A doctor? What for? To put on his stethoscope and read my beatings, put me on those stretcher wheels and take me into that dreaded room? I’d rather die. I hate doctors.”

“So stubborn” thought the mind. “Don’t show such disregard to me, to your parents, your friends, and your lover who loves you so truly. You hold his heart in you, why do you want to end it all? You’re hurting yourself just too much. This is unnecessary.”

“My lover?” spat the heart. “I wish I could call that any longer. He’s taken it away. He’s taken it all back. Do you see this empty space? Well, that’s his gift to me. It’s over now my friend”, the words came out with great pain, the a weak smiled passed its lips as tears rolled down.

“You deserve something better heart. This is definitely not the right decision you’ve taken. There is no one who can understand you better than I do. I am with you. For me, for this body that owns you, listen to me please. Call the doctor”, the mind pleaded.

“You’re with me? You’re the only reason I am suffering this today. You’re the only reason why I let him go. I am empty now because of you and I am going to end this all because of you. This is my gift to you my friend”, smiled the heart.

“No, please don’t do this. Why don’t you understand, you have better reasons to live for. Let’s forget everything and start over anew.” The mind tried to convince the heart, breathing every word with great difficulty.

The heart pumped very slowly. The mind could hardly keep itself calm. Both were suffering in silence. “You shouldn’t have done this”. This time the heart could only hear the faint echo of the mind. “I loved you.” The heart smiled and replied “I loved you too but I cannot bear this pain anymore. Forgive me mind, you’ve been a great friend. But this one had to end. Let’s part as friends. I wish to meet you if I ever come alive in someone.”

Suddenly, there were voices heard outside. Many were screaming out in disbelief, many crying. The body lay lifeless on the floor, covered in a pool of blood. One frail voice was heard, “somebody please call the doctor”, crying and trying to move the fragile body out of the pool of blood.

A weak smile passed through the lips of the heart. “So long mate, it’s time for us to part. Goodbye.” The mind could not register a single word the heart spoke. There was just darkness around and nothing seen or heard.

By now many had gathered in the room. Many voices were heard, and many crying.

For one last time, the heart closed its eyes and cherished all the moments of its life, remembering everything that it could in a split second and surrender silently, with a weak smile on its lips. The mind, unable to withhold any longer, lost in the darkness of thoughts, uttered its last words, “You shouldn’t have done this my friend, you shouldn’t have” and gave in to eternity.

The eyes closed. There was a long silence inside. Everything went still. The heart gave in to its last beat, and then it stopped. There was silence, a silence that could never be broken again.

The heart and mind united in harmony, beginning the journey to a land of perpetual silence.

She

2007-11-15T10:23:00.000+05:30

Below is a short story i had written few days back and it got featured in sulekha blogs. I wanted to share it with you all here. This is my very first attempt at writing anything of this sort, so pls excuse me for any errors of any sort! Thank you. :)

Her cabin was in the last row. Noone sat beside her. She was happy, relieved. She needn't strike a half-hearted conversation with anyone. She was happy, to be alone. She relaxed. With thoughts racing inside her already half-baked head, she was certain someone would actually read her mind through her face. Strange faces approached her, welcomed her, questioned her - the usual formalities, she thought - responding to them all with a smile. Fake attempt, she knew.

Day one passed and many such days rolled over, and several months too. One face kept coming back. She tried to ignore. She liked the company. She tried to walk away. She started smiling and laughing. She felt elated. “You have a boyfriend waiting to marry you, whom you love”, reminded her conscience. She sulked. Days passed and again she would get back to this cycle of fighting with her conscience. She loathed herself. She wished she never knew him, never met him. But reality’s bittersweet form took shape. She was surrendering unknowingly into a world of laughter and happiness. She loved it. For once, she felt she was somewhere realizing her dreams. A dream which she kept to herself. A dream where she would meet her prince charming unexpectedly, unknowingly - yet completely aware - aware of the heaviness it leaves, an aching anticipation it holds. She was getting lost - deeply and dangerously.

Notwithstanding the consequences, she was giving in completely. “My mind can never rest in peace anymore”, she assured herself. “What am I doing? Why am I walking this path?” Her heart echoed no positive answers. She kept walking in this newfound direction, realizing how deep the trench was going to be when she landed. Somehow, she wasn’t stirred. She didn’t want to be.

She was in love, madly. She poured her heart to him one evening. What a pleasant evening that was, so serene. All she heard was his heavy breathing and the sound of the waves touching the shore over and over again. There was a twinkle in his eyes, he was ecstatic. He wondered why it took so long for her to utter those magic words. His wait ended there, under the auburn rays of the evening sun, where they sat holding each other watching the waves dancing to the nature’s tune. They sat there consuming every second of the moment. She wished if she could freeze that moment. She gently turned to look at him. He smiled at her and she was already melting away. His happiness knew no boundary and it sparkled in his eyes. She smiled back looking into his deep dark eyes. “I don’t want to hurt this man but god, please forgive me”. For her, it was just the beginning of yet another treacherous journey.

I wish...

2007-11-11T19:31:00.000+05:30

I wish I could float around in the clouds and

noone to ask my why

I wish I could walk along the woods

with noone to stop me by,

I wish I could melt you heart

with words so true

I wish I could mend my heart and

start over anew,

I wish I could hide all my tears

under a pretty smile

I wish I could just stop crawling and

walk a mile,

I wish I would never need to cry and

show you my pain

I wish I could turn back time and

hold you in my arms again,

I wish I could bury and burn

all your worries

I wish I could just live by

holding on to your memories,

I wish I could always feel your

breath over my skin

I wish I could ask you to look into my eyes

and see you deep within,

If only all my wishes could ever come true

I would lay down by your side and

breathe my last words unto you.

Now you see… tada, now you don’t!

2007-11-05T16:01:00.000+05:30

Well… I had this admiration for people performing magic, or at least I used to. Gosh, how I hate to say that now!! Today, I witnessed this absoferakinly ridiculous ‘show off’ of talent, may I call it? A face familiar with Kalaingar TV viewers, I can’t even recollect his name to say the least!

Ok, soon enough you might see my forlorn face in front of the camera witnessing this comedy or errors, errr!! Ok, now I admit magic is something I cannot approach with a sensible mind or a logical thinking but this was a bit too much. It was interesting alright, kinda hooked me up too I should say… but the performer is… yay, what a slimeball!! I cannot even get his name (not that I wished too… he was too ridiculous to be remembered! Lol!!) Am sure I won’t forget the face though! You know what I mean ;) :P

Alright, he did this ring-rope thingy which I should admit was impressive. Then there was this pack of cards thing (can the magicians ever think of something more innovative now, for god’s sake??) which was stupid and not that convincing! Professions, I say!!!

Being the ‘yo’ kinda man that he was (ya right, he sports a ‘cool’ rapeban, read: ray ban and an octo-pentagonal shaped sideburn cum beard cum whatever whatever…) he had to ‘impress’ the fairer sex with the slimiest of remarks!! He thinks we fell for it!! What a shame, such rare talent wrapped up in such a typical clown! Gawd! Can they ever change their clichéd style of ‘oh the beautiful girls out there’ type of remarks, I wonder! May I scream, it’s getting just too staaaaaaaaaaleeeeee mate...

Aaanndd tada…in the end he finished it with a classic “magic is logic” tagline. What a finishing touch! Wow! Advertising firms are in the lookout for people like you!

I cant believe this, while i type all this the typical a@#$h*&^ is standing right here near my bay!!!!! eeeeeeewwwwww...

If only it could make her happy it won't hurt anyway - truly!

2007-11-02T17:59:00.000+05:30

Yup, am back and after a long time too! Things have been going hopeless to bad to better to ok now… well it doesn’t matter much anymore. They keep coming and going – it’s a hopelessly unavoidable ‘am here to take it again’ vicious circle. Tears you apart and mends you as well.

Just when I was thinking about revamping (!?!) and rewriting my whole blog all over again, I came across this wonderful piece of work (I would rather call it expressions in art!) by rockheart from http://rockheart.sulekha.com/blog/post/2007/10/if-only-it-could-make-her-happy.htm.

Beautiful rendering of words, subtle and so very powerful. Makes you sit back and think how often we walk that path. Funny, similar emotions are so universal, its there just about everywhere!

My take: The effort in keeping someone happy yet knowing how disturbingly annoying we can get when realization hits and brings you to reality that we indeed are selfish in our ways, can be disastrous at times. Realization? - Yup, guilt. Utterly bitter one that.

When I was thru with the poem, tears just rolled out with less effort and before I knew I was feeling so helplessly utterly guilty and bitter about myself. And I was forced into rolling back into my cocoon once again for I know this person in my life who feels so very much this way. Probably if that person read this, it would have been easier to relate, but to be in their shoes and feel the same, for me it’s like swallowing a ball of fire and shedding tears of ice.

"Thoughts just shatter day by day and by the night we
are angels of heaven
The dawn breaks and brings in new light, whom are we
fooling here again?"

I cannot find words to go further. Am already choking. If somebody could take it from here on I would be grateful. Thanks in advance!

Perpetual complication - a gift?

2007-10-03T02:00:00.000+05:30

Life's evergiving gift to me
a perpetual complication in life.
A struggle to steer through
the toughest challenges,
a search for the ultimate
happiness, ultimate peace.
Clinging to this bleeding heart
screaming out those aching lungs
shedding the lasts of tears
waking up to grave realities.
There's enough grieving done i say
isnt it time i had those happy pills???

Well well well...

2007-08-09T12:47:00.000+05:30

Am coming, Washington! :P

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

'Motorcycle Diaries - part 2', yeah maybe but dying tragically on a mountain, :O NOWAY!!

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

A silent prayer!

2007-08-08T12:19:00.000+05:30

Help me help, lord!

Why are people so depressed?
God, I’ve jus recovered myself
and I can’t take my loved ones suffering like this now
I wanna help; I wanna be there for them
I wanna make them feel good
I wanna make them feel things will be alright
My love, I can’t see u like this baby
I’m there for you…
I know what happened before has affected you a great deal
But somewhere I thought things will be fine
Now over and over I just see people depressed everywhere
Lord, give me the strength to be for them
Be with them and take away their pain
I can’t see my loved ones like this
Cos I know how it hurts
And how it takes away everything we cherished in life
Pls god, this time, hear me out
I want everyone to be happy, for themselves, for me
There’s so much love and so little to share
Let there be abundant love abundant sharing
Let no one feel lonely, feel dejected and depressed
Lord, help me heal them
Help me love them unconditionally and cure their pain
Give me the strength lord
To love and be loved, unconditionally!

I aint no scared anymore...

2007-07-31T11:30:00.000+05:30

Bring it on u lousy freak
show me how u can ruin MY life
you aint not lift your finger no longer
lest you feel thats the worst u've ever done so far
now lets c wat u've got urself... threat? blood? life?
oh c'mon, u aint no scaring me anymore...
and i aint no scared of u anymore!

Let your tongue do some rolling! ;-)

2007-07-26T16:05:00.000+05:30

I received this from my friend recently n i guess its interesting enuf to be a part of my blog... so much for writing on my own, duh!!

1. If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say " don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

**********

2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

**********

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

**********

4 .A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

**********

5 . Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

**********

6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

**********

7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

**********

8 .Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"

**********

9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside.

Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside.

Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

**********

10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES

**********

11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

**********

12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

**********

13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot.

Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

**********

14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

**********

15 .A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue

**********

16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

**********

17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw...

Phew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A nameless identity

2007-07-02T16:49:00.000+05:30

Into the darkness of my dreams
I tread every path of untouched beauty
I open my eyes to see what’s waiting
And am blinded by the flash of reality
I wring my eyes and look into the reflection of
What I see to be the face of a nameless identity!

Where do i begin now?

2007-06-18T16:57:00.000+05:30

My thoughts are shattered
and words are broken
my mind's numb and heart's sore
tired of pretentious faces
my eyes search for the truth
my hands are reaching for you
there's blinding light upon my face
but there's just darkness inside,
where have i lost it all
where do i begin now

I see my silent stranger there
and hear the sweet whisper in my dreams
i open my eyes and see the perfect face
but my mind hasnt opened up yet
the faces are empty now
and shadows are fake
i turn back and see life's betrayal
now am living for life's sake,
where have i lost it all
where do i begin now?

A side of me i didnt know!

2007-06-18T11:12:00.000+05:30

Living a life of restless agony
of bygone days and deceiving distress
the tears have lost the taste
the mind's in shackle and body cold
the sanity is lost, and wisdom gone
for what does this existence persist
for what shall the mind believe in
there's jus a self-locked perpetual
struggle for a belonging
and there's nothing inbetween
and nothing ahead...

No mood for 'moods'

2007-06-13T17:07:00.000+05:30

Picture this! You've got a handful of pointers to explain to your readers... (well am talkin abt writing for a topic as critically sensitive as condoms and related stuff), wat would you when you cant jus make ur mind think abt writing in a manner that would actually convey the message and make sure its 'sexy' enuf to keep the reader hooked?!!

Hell, its bloody tough i say!!

Am sitting here writing something abt 'seducing tips' and my mind has gone blank from the continuous thought process of writing raunchy stuffs for the past coupla days! Now even i set my mind to write something 'atleast' for the sake of it, wat do i really write anyway?? Its taken me two days to write a chunk of copy, and after heavy filtering, am still left feeling i've got a hell lot to write. Makes no sense.

It was quite thrilling initially but when you've passed that phase of excitement, its down to basic 'work' anyway!! So am off to work, again. :(

my first little step...

2007-06-12T23:27:00.000+05:30

Ok i've got my new blog account but i really duno why i've created this little thing for.. anyways, here i go!
oh btw... black is my color, the blog's gonna be my reflection (hopefully!!) :D

So until the next one, here's blindwreck signin off...